Endings and beginnings

(forgive format and typos - first post from my ipad) And so here we are -- bidding 2011 goodbye, and saying hello to 2012. It always amuses me (or confuses me) that our human culture has chosen this annual moment as the time to create momentous life-changing resolutions. But at least we have designated one moment for reflection and self improvement, which is better than none at all I suppose. I recently read the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubins and I've been thinking of starting my own I particularly like how she created a program built upon a progression of behavior changes in combination with research to really explore how to improve her level of contentment. The project required self study and brutal self honesty and a hell of a lot of discipline and commitment. None of these areas are strength of mine! Perhaps all the more reason to try. The first step for me is this: Body - better sleep, hydration, vitamins, diet, and exercise. Mind - learn something, read for illumination, seek non-fiction Heart - follow through on time and commitments with friends and family There are bound to be more as this project evolves. But I am going to try and make 2012 a year of self-awareness and appreciation of the good life I have. Resolution challenge here I come.

The Metropolitan Tri-State Lens

I wonder if other areas of the country would treat this incident the same.

As I waited in the Newark-Penn train station today for my Acela express train to D.C. (the only way to go...at least on an expense account) I noticed all the DELAYS popping up on the board.  When I asked some folks what was up on such a beautiful sunny day, I learned a "trespasser had been struck".  And so it goes in the NY-NJ-CT Tri-state area....it's not about a victim, it's about a trespasser.  It's not about the tragedy, it's about the commuter delays.

And although my train left on time, we were restricted to a much slower speed than the famed Acela express...and there were about 5 announcements apologizing for the delay due to "police activity", but no mention of the incident and its sorry outcome.

On an unrelated note, I was in my car on the way to the train when the "national emergency broadcast signal" was tested.  Anyone else hear it and think it was a bust?  First they announced it was coming and they'd be "off air" during the signal for about 3 minutes, then a sound and garbled message came on, then silence for about 2 minutes.  Good thing "this is just a test, this is only a test"

The (Unbearable) Insanity of Life

It has been some time (again) since I attended to my blogging.  So here's a little randomness that is the insanity of my life.

Work Travel.  All. The. Time.  I'm actually holding up quite well, as is my loving and patient husband, but my gosh it has sped life up so much!  Gone last two weeks.  This week away only one overnight.  Next week gone 4 days again....isn't it Thanksgiving immediately after that?  They started playing Christmas music in the stores...I'm still disbelieving it isn't August.

Hair Art?  I actually paid $260 to my hair salon on Friday.  And I didn't buy a single product.  That was JUST for service.  Hubby wonders if I might try his barber at $12/visit.  Meanwhile I think of how many times I pass something up in the same price range (small piece of artwork perhaps?) and yet I shell this out every 6 weeks or so for my hair!

Fall Back.  My gosh I needed that hour this weekend.  Hubby didn't think me saying at 7:30PM on Saturday - oh good, it is daylight savings time again...it is really only 6:30PM so I can get another hour of work in and still get to bed at reasonable time was the best use of the hour...but I did.

Storm Debris.  Like everyone else in the area, we removed our broken tree limbs and stacked them by the street imagining the town will eventually come to claim the mulch materials.  Hubby was given a gold star for his efforts, and maybe a purple heart comes next since he sliced his finger on his new saw pretty good as well.  I keep telling him Artists shouldn't do labor that messes with their valuable hands....but he's multi-talented that way.

Kitty Yoga.  Our strange little Penny-kitty has taken on a new habit.  She sits in a yoga-like position so she can play with her back feet and tail...no lie, sometimes she is in this position for a good 20 minutes.  It's enough to crack us up every time.

Sleepus Interuptus.  I spent one of those anxiety anticipatory nights last night having a 7:30 AM presentation meeting I was totally prepared to deliver, but convinced client would be unhappy. Beside being convinced of utter failure to deliver on the project requirements, what was my number one anxiety?  Sleeping through the meeting!!  Hence awaking every 20 minutes to check the clock.  Anyway, end result - I was up and ready on time, delivered the presentation and....surprisingly...client ecstatically happy.  Meanwhile, I am pleased, but also totally confused on my own judgment that led me to believe my work sucked.

Conflicted Grocery Shopping.  On Friday I was starving when I went to the grocery store.  Everyone knows this is a big mistake.  Never go hungry to a food shopping errand.  The list be damned.  I had in my mind this desire to stock up on healthy foods and began with bananas, fresh local apples, almonds, and pre-cut veggie packs. But then I saw the sale on ice cream - two gallons for $5 and snapped up the deal.  And then I hit frozen foods.  I got back on track and purchased a bunch of smart ones for lunches and quick dinners, but also picked up a frozen pizza that was calling my name.  I went down the bread aisle and got some whole wheat, high fiber bread...and then picked up the Helluva Good Onion Dip and chips on the impulse buy.  Conflicted much?

The Happiness Project.  On advantage of travel is airplane reading time.  I've blown through several books of late, the latest of which is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  I'm now reading it a second time and developing an idea for my own project framework.  It has to be achievable in measures...so we'll see.  Regardless, I highly recommend the read...there are some honest and eye-opening moments.

Why I love him.

Because Elvis Costello singing "Red Two" with Elmo and Cookie Monster makes him smile...and hum...and spontaneously giggle...and suddenly sing-song "Red Two...." when I think he is sleeping.

I gotta admit - it's way cute.  Cowabunga!

And he's pretty cute too.

Ever Get Excited by a Pile of Dirt?

I do!

Nine years ago (December 2002), Hubby and I purchased the Yellow Cottage.  The previous owners, dear friends of ours, insisted on giving us a run-down of every wart and potential disaster on the property.  Full disclosure was NOT a problem here.  One of the major projects they swore should be the next on our list was a complete re-do of the driveway.  Knowing they were right we eliminated any care and feeding of the current cracked, pitted, and shredded driveway.   But then...we never did the big project.

Until now!

Big pile o' dirt!

Grading to avoid any stormwater draining into house.

Leveling and tearing out of old railroad tie retaining wall (to be replace by natural rock wall)

Shovel, shovel.  And finally that old rusty b-ball hoop coming down!

Looking better already.  Luckily they haven't destroyed my overhanging trees...yet.



And what is the best part about this project?  Well...I suppose...that I'm out of town while it is underway.  I'll be joining the pain of parking a block away soon however since it will be 2-3 weeks before it is complete.

Colorado Springs

Information is a powerful thing.  Especially when you've been searching for information for a long, long, time.  My mom was looking for one of her college friends for many years...and finally, one day, her name and contact info popped up in the alumni information.  We made contact, for the first time in over 35 years, and contact led to travel, and a wonderful weekend in Colorado Springs.

We were greeted with warmth and generosity and it was as familiar as our last memories with Linda so long ago.  We immediately jumped into chatting and catching up and I watched with pleasure as Linda immediately fell into calling mom M.L. like she did long ago and they laughed and laughed. 

Linda is THE best hostess.  She greeted us with a printed itinerary but also promises to change anything that was planned.  It totally eliminated that "well, what would you like to do now?" and "I don't know" ugly cycle.Our first day - Friday - was all about home and comfort and incredible food prepared by our hostess.  Jet lag caught up with us and we went to bed early, looking forward to the next day's itinerary.

And then.....

...we awoke to the first snow of the season in Colorado Springs!

We stayed in for a while, watching the snow fly and started a little craft project Linda had cooked up.

But by afternoon, we were at Garden of the Gods and enjoying glorious blue skies. A visit to the trading post, drooling over gorgeous turquoise jewelry was almost as much fun as taking in the incredibly beautiful scenery with Pike's Peak in the background.

Then we got our cowboy on at the Flying W Ranch with some real cowboy waiters, cooks, and entertainment.  Linda (right), mom (center), and Linda's husband Stan....wanted for what?

Mom and me!

We didn't know until we arrived it was dinner AND a show.  Our waiters became the entertainment and man could those guys sing and play.

Stan was on the formal itinerary as well...showing us how beautiful woodworking is done.

But we were just as happy to sit, talk, sip, and watch the wildlife outside.

Thanks Stan and Linda for a glorious weekend of laughter, love, and fun.



Bedroom inspirations

I've been trying for some time to get inspired about our master bedroom.  Yesterday, while shopping with T I was trying to figure out what to do with the room again.... We now have a painting we love over the bed, a coverlet I picked up at a tag sale in a gorgeous teal blue that picks up some of the tones of the painting.  And that's it.  That's all I've got.  We stood in Penney's and then in Target, and I was paralyzed.  What to do?  What decision to make?  Eventually we reasoned our way into two choices to take home.

And I was happy.

And then I put them on the bed.

And I was UNhappy.

As Hubby said, "Neither of them Wow me."  

And that was it exactly.  

So today, I do what I never do.  I went shopping for a 2nd consecutive day on my heavily protected homebound weekends. 

And as I walked toward the door with my awkwardly repacked bedding to return, I saw the hydrangeas.  And I thought how happy they make me and how beautiful they are and how they actually have many of the same tones we love in the painting....

 

So I returned the bedding and stopped in to Pier One, TJ Maxx, Christmas Tree Store, and finally Bed Bath and Beyond.  I did my usually indecisive shopping dance.  Circulating through the bedding department in some crazy patterned zig-zag.  Picking things up and putting them down repeatedly.  I stumbled upon a similar quilted matelasse coverlet to the one I had bought at the tag sale and it had shams available to purchase...so I picked those up and decided I would get those at least. Making this decision was a big deal....because I truly do find this stuff paralyzing.

Then I wandered into the duvet section and started tossing different items down on the floor with my teal coverlet.  Some interesting things started happening but I still wasn't sure.  

So, as is my habit, I put them all back.

Then I walked to the front of the store.  And suddenly I stopped.  Hell.  I have to try something.

So I headed back with an empty cart and I filled it to the brim with duvet cover, sheet set, some accent pillows (from different bedding set...not all matchy matchy).  On the way back I stopped in the decorative pillow aisle...seeing nothing...but as I turned to leave I caught the sight of something amazing.

Pillows with hydrangea patterns in exactly the blue/green/purple hues I love.

Paydirt!

When I rang out I winced at the total, but if my search is over, it may all be worth it.

I came home and stripped the bed...put on the new sheets (I know, I didn't wash them but who has the patience for that now really??) added shams, stuffed my old comforter in the duvet coverlet and made up the bed.  I pulled out pillow after pillow from the bags (I think I bought like 7!) and stacked and layered.  I took two more of the hydrangea patterned pillow( these with more bright tones) and threw them on the window seat and stepped back.  

Holy crap. This might just work.

After some pillow editing with hubby's help, I'll be reducing our total outlay to a semi-reasonable amount.

Now on to picking out window treatments, flooring, paint, lamps, and new furniture....this could take a while.

50/50 was almost a disaster

Spoiler alert.  If you plan to see 50-50, don't read this until you do.


So Saturday was distraction duty day for my dear friend T.  I sent her an email with three options earlier in the week.


1.       Ambitious, exciting, cultural – very distracting
2.       Fun, girlie, entertaining – distracting, but lower key
3.       Soft, easy, couch-potato-esque – distracting, but VERY chill


We decided, the middle one was juuuuust right.  So I took her off for lunch, a movie, and some shopping.  We hit the movie theater first to figure out showings and times.  Neither of us were up on current movie titles so we actually had to go old school and check out the binder with movie synopses to make a choice.  We narrowed it to three and then T abdicated.  I did a little eeny-meeny-minie-mo-ing at the ticket machine, and we were on for 50/50.  


Then we hit my favorite mall restaurant - Stir Crazy - cause it has fresh yummy Thai fusion food and is right next to the movie theatre.  And it is the perfect accompaniment to drama discussions.  And drama was the discussion of the day, hers, and to mix it up, we added some about others too.  Quite literally there was discussion of attempted suicides, murders, and other very serious mayhem.


Sometimes I'm really happy I lead a fairly boring life.


We hit the candy counter after all that yummy fresh Thai food so T could get something sticky for the movie.  Normally I'm on board with that, but I was pretty full of Thai, so I opted for a small (which equates to half six-pack size) soda.  Praying I wouldn't have to leave the movie 3 times to pee, we snuggled in for 25 minutes of previews....which all looked good, but also suspiciously looked like real Christmas tear jerkers.  


Hmmmmm.  Usually the previews are thematically linked to the movie you are seeing to catch the right demographic and movie tastes....


As the movie progressed, I thought - it's Seth Rogan, it can't be anything but cute funny right?  Ummmm.  Diagnosis.  Broken hearts.  Dysfunctional mother relationships.  Alzheimer father.  Shit. Shit. Shit.  Have I actually brought my highly stressed out friend to view a family horror show with possible death of the main cute character at the ripe old age of 28?  Shit. Shit. Shit.  Are we both gonna walk out of here even more distraught and depressed?  


I kept tearing up throughout the movie and watching my friend out of the corner of my eye.  Wipe the eyes, drink soda, wipe the nose, drink soda, wipe the eyes again, drink soda.  


Then the Doctor announces.  The chemo, which has killed one of your cancer buddies and is killing another, has done nothing to help you.  So we have to go take this ENORMOUS tumor from your spine now and you might not survive the surgery.  Alzheimer dad stares off into space.  Cheating girlfriend is gone.  Crazy therapist he yelled at is out of picture.  Nutty mom is smothering him.  Shit. Shit. Shit.


It gets even more dramatic and I don't know if I'm more worried about the main character or my friend slowly munching her candy next to me.  


Finally...agonizingly....it resolves.  He lives.  He thrives.  He finds love with crazy therapist.


As the lights come up.  I turn to my friend and before I can speak she says, "Thank God he lived.  If he had died I might have totally lost it."  And we look at each other and start laughing hysterically as I proclaim, "My God...I was thinking the exact same thought.  We sit through most of the credits laughing. 


And as we continued on with our day I thought: That was good.  That one moment of connection and laughing was the perfect thing we BOTH needed.  


Oh.  That and the shoes.  Cuz nothing says girl day of fun like new shoes. 

A Need to Believe

I've been profiled.  Many times.  As is the wont of many corporate organizations as they team-build, develop talent, and sometimes just want to peek into the brains of their middle managers, I've been through several of those psychological evaluation exercises.  One thing that has consistently emerged is my "need to believe".  Our MERGER has, at times, shaken that belief to its core.  But eventually I came out of the dark places and have been trying to emerge back into that sweet space of believing again. 

I seem to have one foot still stuck back in the dark places though.  Not by my own choice, but by the fact that gripped around my ankle are all the negative whispering (sometimes screaming) voices of my pre-MERGER colleagues.  Between this horrible economy creating a dearth of opportunities and the MERGER identifying and acting upon redundancies, we are slicing and dicing ourselves to a shadow of our former glory. 

I'm actually not averse to this.  Or more accurately, I understand the need for this.  But as always, the human side is heartbreaking, and the desire of our organization to treat these earth shattering changes (in a 100 year old company where nothing ever used to change!) as business as usual is undermining my shaky faith. 

A meeting was recently held here.  A meeting that used to be the LEADERS of the organization coming together to share info.  With the new regime, I quickly recognized this was going to be a meeting of the desperate, uninformed, and marginalized.  When all eyes turned to me with questions about how was the new organization thinking, I found myself on the hot seat.  Struggling to keep my new upbeat believing attitude in the face of such evident disdain for the current administration and such obvious dissatisfaction with the direction (or lack of) for our business. 

Is it no wonder I'm welcoming travel more than I thought I would?  Getting out of the FORMER headquarters and going to the CURRENT headquarters is like a breath of fresh air.  Going to meetings with divisions that are operating in the black and away from my former business line which is stuck in the red.  Meeting with people with hopeful attitudes, happy to work for a good solid company with a future and skipping meetings with people who are filled with the need to continually rail against the "machine". 

Where is the truth?  Is it in the promise of the future, or the lost of the past?  Is it in the hard nosed business culture or the warm and fuzzy family environment?  I'm still hoping for a spot in the middle - a balance between business, growth and prosperity, and an enjoyable, inspiring place to work.  But how to make it happen? 

Damned if I know. 

So right now, my focus is on my little corner of the world and releasing my foot from the death grip and out of the dark hole.  Then I'm trying to keep my team buoyant and upbeat and delivering success.  Once our boat is done rocking, hopefully we can reach to the drowning in the pool and hope they don't swamp our little life raft and pull us all under again.

Serenity Now!

Over the last 9 days a friend of mine has been pushed to the brink of a nervous breakdown. With legal implications still pending, I'll keep the details to a minimum, but suffice it to say that family can be your best ally or your worst enemy, and if the latter, they know how to deploy emotional terrorism better than any other human being on earth.  When I speak to her I never know if I'm going to get the calm, competent, intelligent woman I have known for 20 years, or a sobbing hysterical self-doubting unrecognizable person.  Yesterday, I sat with her and calmly talked for nearly an hour about updates to her situation.  Not 30 minutes after I left, she called me at home fraught with tension and gasping for breath between crying jags and just needing me to talk her down. 

Serenity Now!  My brain shouted thinking of the mad mad Costanza family.  In reality, I had to tell her she was not insane, unreasonable, or wrong.  I had to tell her to breathe....just breathe.  I suggested a cold cloth, a quiet dark room, and chocolate...dark rich chocolate, to get the right endorphins flowing.  And I volunteered to lead her to a day of distraction this weekend.

Later that night, unable to sleep, I found my mind beginning to construct a Serenity Now Mantra that might help her in moments when I can't jump on the phone and talk her down.

SERENITY NOW MANTRA

I am a good person.
To be a good person I do not need to subsume my own wants and needs.
To be a good person I do not need to accept toxic behavior and forgive all deeds.
To be a good person I do need to be kind, be honest and be real.

I am a strong person.
To be a strong person I do not need to do it all myself.
To be a strong person I do not need to know all the answers.
To be a strong person I do need to accept help and be true to my core.

I am a person of truth.
To be a person of truth I do not need to explain all of my actions.
To be a person of truth I do not need to give advance notice of my intentions.
To be a person of truth I do need to keep my motivations true to my values and when I speak, speak honestly.

I am worthy of being loved.
To be loved I do not need to change.
To be loved I do not need to beg.
To be loved, I simply need to be my true self and to offer love in return.

So, my lovely friend....I hope you find your serenity....if not now....soon.

It's really only Monday?

Well, actually at 12:03AM it's actually Tuesday....but it's been a very long day.  It actually began about 28 hours ago, when I plugged in my computer to prep for today's meetings.  I was feeling pretty unprepared to facilitate a six hour meeting on brand positioning for one of our divisions. As a matter of fact, I was trying to remember what EXACTLY this division even did!  So at about 5PM I plugged in and began reviewing files, websites, reports, meeting notes, brochures, and competitor materials.  At about 3AM, after doing this an several other procrastinated(procrastinating) tasks and absorbing way too much Sister Wives (where did that little reality tv gem come from...???) radiating from the hotel television, I finally fell into bed.  Of course the alarm showed no mercy with a piercing yelp at 6AM and I was up and on to my first meeting of the day at 6:45 am.  It is now 12:12am and I'm in PJs, in bed, surfing for more Sister Wives and disbelieving that I have four more days to this week. 

So I ask again, it's really only Monday?