New & Improved Definitions

Skinny Pants
Old Definition. Small size pants that one shoves one's body into using crisco or baby powder once every 2-3 years. Must be dustladen and out of style but hung in location guaranteed to be stumbled upon at a moment that can induce copious amounts of tears, depression, and self-hatred. Also creates impression of FATNESS in 99% of cases. Negative nostalgia in textile form.

New Definition. Adequately sized pants that allow one to eat lunch without popping buttons. Typically induce a feeling of satisfaction and self-confidence AND SKINNINESS even when gazing into mirror. All buttons, zippers, seams intact. In best case scenario style of pants are equally appropriate for work, date night, or simply window shopping.

Fat Pants
Old Definition. Large pants that create sense of embarrassment and shame in wearer. Usually constructed of stretch fabrics and elastic waste band. Typically stored in a bottom drawer under old sweatsocks and unused workout gear. Frayed and shiny from extensive wear while seated for long periods on sagging couch.

New Definition. See Old Definition of Skinny Pants.