Just Call Me "Crash"

I'm an excellent driver.

Really.

I am.

O.K., so maybe I could learn to pay a little bit better attention?

Let's check out my driving record.

Accident #1 - My fault - but attributed to inexperience.

1984, 17 years old, 4.5 hours after passing my NY State Driving Test and receiving my license. Imagine me and 3 girlfriends tooling around town with my new license with Prince's When Doves Cry blasted at TOP VOLUME. In the midst of talking, giggling, and singing along with Prince, I tried to change lanes without realizing a car was coming up behind me and we collided with a lovely crunch. Next scene: me sobbing in the back seat of the police car and handing the officer four sheets of paper stapled together with a DMV stamp on top to certify my license. Officer response, "What the hell is this?" My reply, "It's [sob] my [sob] license! [sob sob] Please [sob] don't [sob sob] take it away from me [wail sob sob]!!

Accident #2 - NOT my fault, attributed to the other driver's inexperience.

1993?, in car with hubby, and another couple in back seat, stopped at a light frozen as I watched headlights in a VERY BIG SUV barrelling down on our position knowing they were not going to stop. My hair was in a ponytail and the scrunchy came off my hair and ended up on the shelf behind the backseat. Can you say whiplash? When the 16 year old driver of the SUV approached us to see if we were ok - my snotty response (having totally forgotten my own teenage devastation with my first accident), "Of course we're not ok, you just plowed into us asshole!"

Accident #3 - So Totally NOT my fault.
Who in their right mind would pit a Honda Civic up against an 18 wheeler?

2000?, on my way to work when an 18-wheeler decided he wanted to be in my lane. Specifically, he wanted to occupy the exact position in my lane that I was already in. He clipped me. I spun around about 3.5 times across 4 lanes of NY State Thruway (miraculously not hitting any other vehicle) and ended up facing the wrong direction on the inside shoulder. Not a scratch on me. But my nerve was shot for quite a while.

Accident #4 - COMPLETELY my fault. And that poor Honda survived Accident #3 only to be injured again by me!

Today. After dutifully getting up early to get to a meeting I found I had enough time to help with taking the recyling to the curb before I left. Hubby was still showering - he's usually out of the house before me - so I hollered my plan up to him. I went out through the garage and loaded the 4 bins into the back of the SUV making 4 trips around my car to do it. Then, I climbed into the SUV and promptly backed up right into the Honda Civic. I had walked past the car at least 4 times to load up the recycling and it didn't even register that hubby had parked in an unusual place directly behind my SUV. Duh. I creased that passenger door nicely. Feeling a little like I did in the backseat of the cop car in Accident #1, I went back inside to report my total idiocy.

My hubby's response?

"My fault for parking there."

Can you believe this man's goodness? I would have torn him up one side and down the other if he did it. Not to mention the fact that the man has been in only one minor fender-bender his entire life and he endures my constant backseat driving and complaints about his driving.

I think it is time for me to shut up and let him drive. Cuz obviously he? is REALLY the excellent driver in the family.