Friday, August 21, 2009

Random Letters to the Universe

Dear Employee:

Please do not leave me a voice mail, an email, and an instant message all within 30 seconds with the message, "Please give me a call when you get a chance." Pick one medium and stick with it. I'll get back to you.

And? When I call you? Please don't use the time to whiningly defend why you couldn't do your job right. It does not improve your situation.

Tick tock. Tick tock. Hear that? It's your career dissipation clock and it's about to explode.

Your Boss,

Dear Bagel Shop:

You are wiley bastards. Not only have you figured out a cattle herding space plan that allows for 52 people in line in your 10x20 store space, but you have also lined that maze with every conceivable pre-packaged treat imaginable. I see exactly what you are doing, and yet I am helpless to resist, and must reach out and grab the muffin sample tray, the candied fruit, and the gourmet bagel spreads.

You should teach a class in successful marketing for a down economy.

In respectful awe,

Dear Al Gore:
I'm trying, I'm really trying. But this heat is a killer so my A/C will be running all day until it stops.

So sorry. Hopefully the fluorescent bulbs in every light in my house offset it a little.

It ain't easy being green,

Dear Calendar,

While I hate to wish my life away, please please please hurry to August 29th. I must get out of this office and find the beach right now.

Anticipating the Cape,

Dear Penny Kitty,

You are a potato head. At first I thought you were just batting the potatos off the counter and rolling them around, but since we found one on the 2nd! floor this week and you have now been observed carrying one around in your mouth, I'm convinced. You are truly insane.

And thanks for beating up those home grown tomatoes that were ripening on the window sill. God forbid that we got to eat anything so healthy and organic. You really saved us there.

Marley's got nothing on my kitty,

Dear Yaz Kitty,

There is no need to take after your young crazy partner in annoying me. I heard you meowing at me at 5AM even before you stuck your paw in my water glass and shook it in my face. Good thing you are cute or you might be out on your sweet little furry ass.

Sleepless in Suffern,


Pat said...

I like these and your style. They are fun to read.

Mama Lou said...

These are absolutely hilarious.
A potato carried by a kitten to the second floor on those slippery wooden stairs???? That is one inventive but frustrating kitten.
I guess like with little kids, all things out of sight in cupboards that do not open!