Monday, December 15, 2008

Dear Virginia

Dear Virginia:

Yes there is a Santa Claus, but he took a beating on the Stock Market this fall so toys and gifts will be discontinued for this year and next.

He is also suffering from a lack of no universal healthcare. Therefore, he will not be risking his cholesterol with eating those cookies and whole milk as it could contribute to a health condition for which he has no coverage.

Also, since your parents are defaulting on their mortgage and also their homeowner's insurance, he feels it is unwise to climb on your roof or come down your chimney for a visit as he is not covered by workman's comp, and he can't afford to be out of work with an injury they cannot compensate him for.

For your little cousin George who is on his naughty list, Santa can't quite get his head around this clean coal idea and how that is supposed to affect his stocking contents, so don't count on George getting his just desserts.

Santa wishes he could appoint more of his elves to help in these times of need, but Santa has had a hard time getting the elves to work this year because they are spending an inordinant amount of time watching that hit series, "Little People Big World", which Santa admits is a heartwarming and fascinating reality tv series about a Little People couple and their Little and Big children and the challenges they face in the everyday world.

That pesky Rudolph is giving him trouble too, since the developing world has been paying him more money to power their internet connections and light their streets than he can pay for leading his sleigh. This has resulted in some dangerous flying in foggy weather.

And don't get Santa started on those other eight reindeer. They're eating him out of house and home and the price of corn and switchgrass since this whole biofuel movement has taken root is draining the last of his liquid assets.

Lately Santa has been trying to supplement his income with extra mall portrait sittings. It is not improving Santa's mood one bit...nor the moods of the children he meets.

Mrs. Claus sends her best to you, and hopes that your holidays are fine. She has recently completed her 9th elective plastic surgery and now looks like a cross between Joan Rivers and Nicole Kidman with a touch of Liza Minnelli for variety sake.

Mrs. Claus BEFORE:
Mrs. Claus AFTER

The bright side is Mrs. Claus has a new stream of revenue for the North Pole homestead now...ahem...the downside is she no longer feels it is her duty to make Santa eat his fill, so he looks like an emaciated scarecrow in his red suit.

All in all, Virginia, you probably want to write to someone else this Christmas. Santa has heard that Mr. Warren Buffett has only lost $16 billion and has a few billion left. Santa says there is a rumor Mr. Buffett is hearing proposals from enterprising youngsters like yourself at the local Dairy Queen.


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You know it's bad when even Santa is affected by the current economic situation. I hope his house doesn't end up falling into the ocean with the whole global warming situation.

KiKi said...

This is a classic!!! I am SUPPOSED to be focused on this LiveMeeting training but this is much better!!!! LMAO...

AmyBow said...

THIS SHOULD BE YOUR PASSION - Creative writing! This is wonderful.