Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Struggle, Part 2

The Struggle, Part 1

I think I'm struggling most with the fact that I'm so totally busy, but not all that interested in it all. There's a certain element of automatic pilot in many of my days. They aren't restful, they are in fact usually hectic and stressful, but they aren't really, well, interesting. Then when I do have downtime...I find myself limited in what I'm willing to do. I'd rather lay around and watch a movie or read a book than take on a project or get out and do anything.

The economy doesn't help. Feeling that it is most prudent for us (maybe not the economy at large, but our little financial world) to restrict our spending makes that a convenient excuse to stay at home under the covers rather than go out and do something. Half the time when I do decide to do something, it involves a book store, a library, a movie theater...all the stuff I'm already doing at home.

If I were to make a list of what I'm willing to change and what I'm not...I'd stay pretty much how I am...but that is pure laziness.

NOT Willing to Change
Husband (ever)
House (not in this economy)
Job (unless forced)

Willing to Consider Change
Hobby (need one besides the static "on my butt at home" type)
Exercise (well...I did enjoy yoga for a short period in 2004?)
Diet (grumble grumble grumble...)
Aspiration (GET ONE! this is what I really need to focus on)

When the phrase first came into fashion - Follow Your Bliss - I was like - WHAT? What the hell is "my bliss"? If I had all the resources and freedom in the world, what would I do with myself?

Do all of you know? If you won the lottery and it all worked out well (no IRS or poor relative lawsuits, your health is still intact, your marriage is still going strong) what would your life be like? My imagination fails me right there. I'm a total blank. I don't know if it's because I'm a realist or because I'm just so out of touch with my own deepest desires (or sadly, don't have any) that I can't answer the question.

[Stay tuned...but don't expect a smart and witty resolution...
this is stream of consciousness stuff people]


asecrettobluebamboo said...

I think being busy and not being interested in what is keeping you busy is very hard. There's lots of stuff to do, but none of it thrills you.

But the lottery mind game? Sean and I play the lottery game all the time. Get out of debt, rehab our house, buy lots of toys. Save, save, save. Ignore crummy relatives, or better yet, don't tell anyone.

Sometimes the lottery game is fun-- it can help you see what you'd really like to do if money weren't a problem. I would like to live on St. Thomas and be a total beach bum. I think it would keep me happy for years.

Ian Lidster said...

When you get the answer then would you please share it with me? I am in a similar conundrum right now and mustering enthusiasm these days (or mustering much else, but I wont go there) has been challenging, to state the case lightly. I agree with those things you won't change, however.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

My husband did this when he was out of work. It turns out he's really, really happy when he's mowing the lawn (lots of instant gratification).

I am following my bliss by becoming a teacher. Would you like to learn a language or plan a trip or mentor a teenager? Are there magazine articles you've read that struck you (Oprah's good for this)? If you're feeling there's something out there, it's definitely time to start looking.

Chelle said...

This is a classic white middle class problem we don't have any real "struggles" so we feel something surely must be wrong.

I do strongly feel getting out of the comfort zone is important!

I remember the full blown panic when we were getting ready to go to Spain, I wanted to cancel the whole thing, thank God I didn't I would have never forgiven myself.