10 Things I Know to Be True About Air Travel

1. There is no such thing as personal space.
   If you are expecting people to not totally invade your space (and you not to invade theirs) give it up. I have been inappropriate touched by more strangers on a plane than on the subway - seriously.
   
2. The plane NEVER fills up from back to front.
   Every flight I take they call up the first class passengers (we hate them) and then start calling rows from highest to lowest. Yet, somehow, when I get on the plane, there are always more people seated in the rows in front of mine than in back. What's up with that? Are you really in a rush to get squeezed into that seat when you're going to be stuck there for 5 hours?
   
3. You can't fly with a broken bathroom door.
   Since 9-11 the problem of drunken flyers has lessened considerably, but there's always one. In a recent flight I took which had been severely delayed, it was obvious one guy decided to wait out the delay doing shooters at the airport bar. When he got on the plane, not only was he obnoxiously drunk, but he had to piss - really badly apparently - and while we were still at the gate he bombed down the aisle to get into the bathroom and proceeded to break the door. Now, in case you don't know, you can't take off with a broken door on the bathroom. If it can't close and lock it is a hazard...so delayed flight became delayed another hour while we sat on runway glaring at drunken passenger while maintenance fixed door.
   
4. Flight attendants hate us.
   These are no longer the friendly skies. We are the necessary evils for these people to get their paychecks. They don't really care if they run over our toes with the beverage cart, splash us with overfilled cups, force on us the grossest meal in history, and then get mad if we actually want to use the restroom during the 2 hours they are serving snacks.
   
5. People really don't understand the carry-on rule.
   I saw a man bring on a suitcase that was larger than the old Touristers (the ones with the Gorilla in the tv ad?) and STUFF it into the overhead bin. It took up 3/4 of the bin and the lid could barely close. Ok - who let this guy on the plane and how come I had to check my small bag because I had a tiny purse and a laptop case?
   
6. G-O-D...D? is apparently a 4 letter word.
   I was surprised to realize recently that in addition to all of the curse words, the airlines are now removing the word GOD from movie soundtracks. At least Continental is. I googled this phenomenon and found that it hit the news in a couple places when people saw the movie "The Queen" and noticed that a character said "__d Save the Queen". The editing company blamed a new employee, but yesterday's in flight movie was "The Fantastic Four" and there were several "God's" removed from the soundtrack. I think we have a rogue athiest editor on our hands...
   
7. Health Food... No Such Thing.
   A friend told me (long ago) that if you sign up for vegetarian meal, you might actually get something fresher and healthier to eat. I never really followed this advice, but on yesterday's flight another passenger near me got the "special meal". It consisted of frozen cheese pizza, potato chips, chocolate brownie...oh and a small sad salad with ranch dressing. No meat...that's for sure...no health either.
   
8. Baggage claim is an unfriendly place.
   Ok, I get it. You've had a crappy time on a crowded flight where everyone invaded your space, you have leg cramps because you boarded early and exceeded your blood circulation tolerance, and the guy in the next row broke the bathroom door. But DAMN people, can you at least help the lady in the wheelchair get her suitcase and walker before they go around the conveyor belt for the 4th time?
   
9. Pilots know how to fly....but air traffic controllers are GODs.
   During last week's travel, I was boarded onto a delayed flight, grateful to be getting to my final destination. It wasn't until we were on board and the door was closed that the pilot announced - "um, yeah, they've closed LaGuardia to incoming traffic so we're gonna have to sit on the runway for 2.5 hours until we can take off..." (ok - the flight was supposed to have a duration of 45 minutes and now I'm stuck on the plane for 2.5 hours! Could you NOT have told me this before I got on plane?)
   
   I call my limo company (whose personnel cannot speak english) to carefully explain my new estimated arrival time. Flight Attendant gives dirty look to my electronics usage.
   
   10 minutes later, pilot: "Um yeah, now they're saying we're gonna take off shortly...stay tuned..." I think about calling Julio again, but decide I'd better know for sure.
   
   5 minutes later, pilot "Flight attendant be seated for departure, we're next to take off". I quickly dial Julio - who answers "que?" to my rapid english about new arrival time. I have to slow down and I am SO illegally on the phone on the runway. Now passengers are giving me dirty looks too. Hang up seconds before take off. But thank goodness Julio now knows the score.
   
   40 minutes into 45 minute flight...pilot: "um...yeah...we have been re-routed to Philadelphia (I've now flown from Pittsburgh to D.C. to Philadelphia trying to get to NYC) and will be circling there for about an hour until we can land at LaGuardia - there's too much traffic coming in for them to handle"
   
   30 minutes later - we land. Timeline a little off, but at least we're on the ground. Julio's man is patiently circling the airport waiting for us. I take it he knows the score better than the pilots. He must have an in with Air Traffic Control.
   
10. No Flights Til February!!!!!
    If my luck holds and the schedule stays the same, I'm off flights until my next conference in February. Oh joy! Feet firmly on ground, elbow room to spare, and my own (un) healthy eating habits to enjoy.